"I do everything wrong, I myself do not know what I found. Why I just spoke about it, "- a typical monologue of the victim of a double message. If, in response to a banal request, you suddenly feel a mixture of apathy with irritation and the desire to beat your head (not necessarily) about the wall, check if you were trapped.
From the point of view of psychology, double message - This is a way to control a person without direct coercion. . Here is its main signs:- Double messages come from authoritative people for you, those from whom you depend on something and therefore you can't take, and show the fig.
- The first part of the message usually consists of a requirement to do something or do not do something. Otherwise, a certain retribution awaits you, for example, anger, a refusal of love.
- The second part of the message makes the first impossible.
- Often, the messages come from a person at different levels of communication. For example, Mom tells the child "clever, I love you" (verbal level, the child must react with joy and rapprochement), while it is irritably removed from it (the physical level, the child must be lagging behind it).
Double Bayand is situations like "Wherever I drop, everywhere wedge, and if you don't even throw something at all - then, especially, the wedge." They are very common in relations between children and parents. "Go to your disco, since you are such an independent, rape - your problems!" As a result, the teenager hears the ban. You will go to the disco, and parents will be unhappy, even if you return home whole and unharmed, and in case of problems, they also deprive help. But you will stay at home - you will demonstrate your discoolness and show that parents in full point to tell you as a child.
The main nightmare of the double message is that it destroys the possibility of healthy communication. Double Bayond almost always implies punishment for trying to clarify the situation. He resembles a trap from the horror movie, who kills the hero, regardless of whether he will cope with the complex lock or not.
Here are typical phrases that are often accompanied by a double message:
- Go, hastily grandfather, you love him
- Speak when you are asked. Do not dare to eat
- You did not need to go home, and now no one else will believe you
- Let's go to my parents when you want
- You do not like my gift?
- Of course, I love you, fool, love!
A person who is accustomed to the manipulation of this kind, with age, faced with a double message, loses the ability to communicate. As a big and terrible dog is afraid of the newspaper, because he was afraid of her little puppy, and a serious adult woman can burst or squeeze because of the innocent phrase traps from childhood. And this, of course, will give a reason to blame you in inadequateness and excessive emotionality.
Double messages cause people a feeling of depression, apathy, and sometimes inexplicable disgust to themselves or their partner. Not the best basis for the relationship.
How to protect yourself from Double Bayand
- Do not go to myself, but go aside. Try to break away from the details and emotions and consider the picture of your communication in general, as if from a bird's eye view
- Do not make excuses
- Cropper leave the game. I pass, I do not participate in it
- Look for alternatives
The listed methods help in situations where the double message is formed unsightened, without malice.
In case the manipulation is conscious, throw this hot potato to the one who first launched it: "or your education, or our marriage! "No, I learn further, and you or you are married or not."
Text author: Elizabeth Ponomarev