As well, sometimes be ready for tricky issues.
Recently, with the Middle Son we went to Lunch in McDonalds. I gave him the right to invite mom to any of the local restaurants, and in the end we turned out to be there. We chatted about the school, his new friends and superheroes, and then he suddenly fell silent, thoughtfully burned Polangamburger and asked:
- Mom, and who you love more, me, Stanley or Edward?
The classic question, I know, but I heard it for the first time, since the elder never asked about it, but the younger is still far from such a philosophy.
And then I was grateful to those books about the upbringing that I read. Let a lot flew out of the head, but the basic - never say "I love you the same" - fastened firmly.
Although sometimes it originally thought it seemed to me that this was the most logical and correct answer. "You are all the same for me for me and for dad, dear children, you are all an integral part of our life and we do not sing out separately and do not appoint pets," it would seem, a very competent answer, which appears in equal position.
But children, it turns out to be egocentric, and the question of justice and equality towards their brothers and sisters, when they ask the question of parental love, worries them the least.
It turns out that when a child asks: "Who do you like more, mom, me or my sisters," he wants to hear only about himself, about his uniqueness and those feelings that you experience exactly.
And according to a respected to me by the authors, Adel Faber and Ellen Mazlish, equality in relation to children in words accumulates their significance and even humiliates. As food to thinking in the book "Brothers and sisters. How to help your children live together "they are brought short history.
"A young wife turns to her husband and an unexpected asks:
- And who do you love more, me or my mother?
"I love you the same," the husband answers and runs on serious trouble.
He should say: "Mother is my mother. And you amazing, a beautiful woman with whom I would like to live the rest of my life. "
So with children, when we talk about the equality and "the same" of their feelings, we equalize children and deprive their individuality. But everyone wants to be special and differ from others.
And this applies not only to a direct question about parental love, but also the number of pancakes on a plate, and the time spent individually with each child, and from which side of the mother he will sit on the couch.
Child The main satisfaction of his emotional need, not a comparison with Sibling.
The same A. Faber and E. Mazlish recommended the following phrases instead of standard equalizing. For example:
one. "Instead of dividing everything equally (" you have as many grapes, like your sister ") ...
Let's each in need: "Do you give five grapes or a whole bunch?"
2. Instead of demonstrating the same love ("I love you the same way as your sister") ...
Show the child that you love it in a special way: "You are the only world in the whole, no one will be able to take your place."
3. Instead of paying for children an equal amount of time ("I will spend ten minutes with your sister, and then ten minutes with you") ...
Take the time for a real need: "I know that I have been doing a long time with your sister's literature. This essay is very important for her. As soon as we finish, I want to know what is important to you. "
And even if the mother or dad has a pet, the best medicine will be freed from the feeling of guilt and, emphasizing the features and strengths of each of the children, give everyone to feel beloved and significant.
And that day, at lunch, I leaned toward my son and calmly said with a smile:
- I have only one Robert, only one such a wonderful and amazing boy with whom I am very happy to dine today. I love you very, very much, and I really like when we spend time together.
He smiled, bit off a hamburger and told me about his new friend at school, whose name is Messi, as well as a favorite football player ...
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