The psychologist Pavel Zygmantovich talks about 5 of the main mistakes, which are committed with a break of relations. And men and women.
Alas, people break up, and not everyone managed to live a soul into the soul to some diamond wedding. Over the years, I have accumulated enough observations to make a peculiar top 5 of the main mistakes performed by people during parting. Let's proceed.#one. Parting is the end of the world
It seems to many that the gap with a loved one completely resets all the pleasures of the world. Now the white light is in a penny, I want to hide under the blanket and it seems that you will never get married from there, because it's still useless, and not for what.
It is useful to know - we are very poorly predicting the duration of our emotional reactions and tend to overestimate it.
In fact, both pain and joy are faster than we expect (though, the pain is slower). There are many psychological studies on this topic, you can familiarize yourself with yourself (see for example, Sieff et al., 1999, or Gilbert et al., 1998).
In reality, the pain from parting passes rather quickly - especially if the relationship lasted not very long. On average, grabs six months to fully come to my senses (the average term - it is the average; someone lasts longer, someone is shorter).
# 2. I'm nothing, I do not work
Many people start to get involved in self-vacation. It seems to them that parting is an assessment of them as a person as a person. The logic is not deprived of the grace - if they broke up with me, it means that something is wrong with me, because they break up only with those with whom something is wrong, they do not part with normal.
This, of course, illusion. Going away from different people and for various reasons. And in order to make a diagnosis "I am nothing", I need evidence more serious than a simple "broken with me."
Parting itself is not a proof. This is just a fact that you can interpret as you like. And the interpretation of it as evidence of your insignificance is a bad interpretation, unfit. Do not do so.
# 3. Forget partner with a strong-willed effort
Sometimes people are trying to forget the person just a strong-willed effort. Like, I will not think about it / her, and everything will work out. Alas, American psychologist Daniel Vegner showed that such an approach does not work. He called it the effect of a polar bear (subsequently, by the way, including it in the effect of ironic boomeranga).
The essence is simple - the more we try to do not think about something and do not do something, the more thought about it (the effect of a white bear) and the more often this is done (the effect of ironic boomeranga).
Exit - do not prohibit yourself thinking about a person. Yes, you broke up, yes, the memories cause pain, but you do not need to drive these memories from ourselves. You just need to observe them (for more details, see the note "how to keep treason", where this reception is described in detail).
Watch, but not to dive into the experiences - here is the best way to handle memories of your favorite / beloved when parting.
#four. Immediately look for a replacement
Many (especially men) seems to be needed immediately to find a replacement - and the faster, the better. And then another replacement, one more one, and more, and more, and more. This is an attempt to knock the wedge by another Wedge, and the way to prove your own attractiveness, and an attempt to distract.
Alas, all this works badly. The fact is that affection quickly does not pass. Invisible threads of emotions that tied you with a partner, not very quickly. And another person does not help to tear them at all, on the contrary, when it turns out that the replacement did not hurt pain, the situation is aggravated - it seems that now nothing will help. Experience, and so heavy, become even harder.
Exit in the other - in friends and loved ones. Communicate with them, do something helpful. It is better to collect everyone together and wait for the weekend to another city to consider architectural sights than trying to shake someone in the nearest bar.
#five. Prove something former / former
Sometimes I really want the ex-partner to understand the deepest mistakes of his decision to break up. I want to do something like - to lose weight, buy a car, take pictures with the celebrity. Like, look, what treasure sailed from your hands, suffer!
Since the ex-partner, as a rule, does not understand the fallacy of its decision, the pain from separation increases. It gets only worse.
What is the way out? Use the situation for the so-called post-traumatic growth. Post-tramatic growth is positive changes that have occurred in man after collisions with any difficulty crisis (see details here - Tedeschi, R. G., & Calhoun, L. G., 2004).
I often say that men treat only divorce. And this is not exactly a joke. Indeed, many men only after the divorce understand that they were not very good spouses and try to correct - personally, so to speak, grow. They learn to be careful, negotiate, and not swear, satisfy not only their interests and so on. The same happens with women.
These are the changes and are called post-traumatic growth.
The gap with a partner can also lead to post-traumatic growth, if, of course, do everything right. For example, avoid the errors described in this notes.
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