We are not first returning and rereading the funny notes of the guide of Tatyana Razumovskaya, again and again giggling, so they decided - you need to share with you.
The last five years of life in the Soviet Union, until 1988, I worked as a younger Researcher of the Hermitage. Everyone, who happened to be a guide, knows that questions on excursions are amazing and unpredictable. Now, after many years, it seems to me that they are interesting not only by themselves, but also reflect in some slice the socio-cultural consciousness of the Soviet people of the eighties.
These records began with how a man approached me on the corner of Hevsky and Admiraltesky and asked:
"Tell me, where is the Metage?" - ?! - Hu, such a big Method, where the kings lived.
So there was a notebook with the name "Masterpieces of Metrazh"
In the Antique Department: "Why did these Venpers always do without hands?"
Ibid. A group of Central Asia: "The girl, as you are not ashamed. After all, in the group of women and children! "
Ibid: "disgrace! First, repente, and then shown! "
In a small dining room. - And you want to say that soldiers and sailors were here - and did not take anything? - Yes. - And I would take!
- Show the corpse! (Mummy) - How to see here all sorts of ancient mumiya? "" Why didn't you show us Smolny? "- And from these plates, the kings really ate or they stood in the buffet?" - Tell me, and the king did not annoy him in the house. Walked so much someone else? - Where is the queen's bed? (Options: "Tsaritsa bedroom", "Bed of Catherine", "Where the kings slept" and "show the most important thing") - and where is Peter I and Catherine II bedroom? "- And where is the room where Catherine II lived with Rasputin? - And where is the stuffed horse with which Ekaterina II slept?
In Rubens. Polish group with Soviet translator. Excursion: "And this is Vakh." Translator: "And this is your portrait of a composer Bach" a. Silence reserves. Then the question from the group: "Why is it in this form?! "
In front of "Vakhom" Rubens: "We have in Voronezh for this 15 days!"
Before the excursion. Moscow Group: "Ham, please more and quickly!"
- We want to see everything. I: the length of the halls of the Hermitage 15 kilometers. - (joyful) And we will go 5 km per hour and in three hours we will examine everything!
Group of historians 4-5 courses of the University of Almaty. - You told us here about the crucifixions of Christ. And tell me why they crucified? - How do you study the story, not reading the gospel? - And we did not pass it. Hu tell us in a nutshell. - In a nutshell? For dissent.
A group of Central Asia. We go through the winter. Fits a man from the group - quiet, in the ear: "Maiden! You are a big seaman atpheses, and show us that's the picture! " ("Venus" Bush)
After the excursion: - Are there any questions? - There is. And where is the way out?
HA Dresden exhibition. Pattern Veronese "The daughter of Pharaoh finds the baby Moses" and through several paintings - the settlement "Moses, caring water from the cliff." Lady (very surprised): how quickly aged!
In the knight's hall. "And horses chewing?"
A group of younger schoolchildren. Amur Falcone, the teacher stops the guide and tells the guys: - Children, look at whom it looks like? Silence. - Hu how! This is a little Lenin!
- When I was here last time, we showed a bowler, from which Ekaterina II fed by Soup Peter I!
And where is the eggs of Kulibin?
After the excursion, the old woman is flown, aggressively. - Tell me, Peter the Great - he did so much for Russia, and why is there no city of his name? I (carefully): In 1924, Petrograd was renamed Leningrad. - Yes, yes, here I ask you, why? And where can I write about this?
Very timidly and quiet, removing me away from the group. - And where was the picture here, on which it is drawn ... Naked Dana? - Are you interested in "Dana" Rembrandt or "Dana" Titian? - He's, I remember ... there is lying ... naked, and she bring her baby ...
Leningrad group. I propose to choose from different options for routes. - You see, we are Leningraders, we are here often, pictures and sculptures know, so show us better than royal chambers!
- And where is Alexander Macedon Tomb? (Alexandra Hvevsky)
And Peter I and Christ - is this one and the same?
Restricted tours. - How much time do you have exhibitions here? Five years ago was Rafael hung, now came - Rafael again!
- And tell me why this madonna always did with a little boy and never with a little girl?
In the twenty-column hall. I describe the charms of architecture. - Why do you care us and you are too told? We already have a mustache, Yak bitches!
- And where is your picture here, where the girl feeds the breast of the wounded fighter? (Rubens "Otselyube Romans")
- And you will show us a sitting Peter? - Unfortunately, the hall with a wax is closed. - (with tears in the eyes, in the voice) So why did we go here?!
In Pazeryka.- And this is the mummy of the breeding leader. - (doubt) tribal? And what is it so embarrassed?
- I have a question not on an excursion. I wanted to know all my life, what's the name of Peter I? - Romanov. - How? And he too?!
At the watch-peacock: "And when is this ostrich chopping?"
At Madonna Benoit. Group from Moscow. - Here you talked about the tragic future of this baby. What happened to him? - When he grew up, it crucified. - A, thanks.
- Where is the Grozny kills your son? - Grozny kills the Son in the Tretyakov Gallery, in Moscow. - (sad and disappointed) and more anywhere?
The lady for a long time and enthusiasbly considers the statue of the naked herakla, based on the Pale. Lady: "This is Peter I, yes?"
Ukrainian group. He sleeps the entire excursion. Suddenly, in the coat of arms of Taras Bulba, standing in front of me, wakes up, the mouth spreads into a happy smile, looking at a huge marble bowl in the center of the hall, Blyno: - From, this would be a cup, yes Umi Pelmeney!
From the experience in Hermitage Help
- Do you have information paid? - He's. - Then, where is the toilet?
- Do masterpieces work? (In the sense of whether the exhibition "masterpieces of Venetian painting")
How can I find a picture where many naked women are drawn?
- Are you information? - I am information. - What do you give full information? I need complete. - What do you want to know? - How can I get to the Winter Palace? - You are in it. - And the revolution was here? - Yes. - Great thank you.
- How much is this Hermitage? - Sorry? - Hu, ticket. - One ruble. - And if on three?
- Here we bought tickets and do not know what to watch. - What interests you? - And we are not interested!
Male type of responsible employee: - Exhibition of Mae is open? - Unfortunately, yesterday closed. - And at the box office I was told that it was open! - They were mistaken. - Why should I believe you? - HE believe. Go to the museum and check yourself. - He's, where is the synchronism of your work? Do you understand me? - I understand you. What else interests you? - I'm interested in truth. - The truth must be founded above. - Clear. Where is the chief administrator?
- Do you give references? - Yes. - Then tell me, so I bought two tickets to the Golden Storeroom, and I am alone. What should I do? - Sell a ticket. - But I stood an hour in the queue and I can't so just sell a ticket to someone! - Say in line a pretty girl and offer the ticket to her. A wonderful way to meet. - Many thanks!
- What do you have about the war here? - What kind of war? - Hu, about some.
- How can I go to the exhibition "Medallery Art of Finland"? Long and explain in detail. - And there is only an exhibition "Medallery Art of Finland"? - Yes. - Hawa does not interest me!
- And where is the animals here?
- How to get to the "curved boy"? ("Furious boy" Mikelanello)
From lapes excursions
- Before you, representative portraits Wang Dequean.
Salphian still life. - See how remarkably written lemon. It's even visible droplets of sweat!
In the department of Russian culture. Refined lady: In the time of Peter I, this chub-cutting machine was invented!
- And this is a cane from the bone of Catherine II.
From "Danai" Rembrandt. - Notice how the sheets are prescribed under the gift!
- And this is before you the tomb of Alexander Hevskogo-2! (by analogy with the name of the metro station)
The guide for a long time tells the group plot "Danai", then turns around and sees with horror that they are in front of the painting of Luke Jordano "Battle of Lapiphs with Centaurs." Then, without a pause, he says: "And at that very moment, when Zeus appeared in the form of a golden rain before the Danay, the fit of this tower launched the battle of lapiphs with centaurs!"
In general, as the ancient Greeks said in Latin: Vita Brevis, Ars Longa - "Life of Cork, Art forever." With which we falling to the source of their pale descendants, we can not disagree.
