The article Pavel Zygmantovich on the family violence is facing that the rarity in this genre is primarily to those who do this violence. A person can learn not to beat his loved ones. Feel the magic power of a cognitive prohibition!
I am not very often writing about domestic violence, although I have to deal with what to hide. Recently faced once again and decided to tell some details on this topic. First of all - general contours.Overall plan
Let's start with the fact that domestic violence is not only physical. Economical, and sexual, and psychological are also distinguished. In essence, it does not matter which violence it happened at the moment. It is important that violence destroys the nutritious and safe environment, which is also valued in marriage and in relationships. Therefore, violence is unacceptable.
Unfortunately, men and women are fond of violence (physical). True, it is fond of unevenly - women make more aggressive acts, but men are more injured, while the decent part of the injuries that women are applied to men is a consequence of self-defense. And this is only Polbie. Worst of all this is what - violence to children apply more often than men and women, alas. In other words, violence in families are full full, and domestic violence is much wider than the beating of women with men. In more detail about this - in the note "about domestic violence" and in the book "Anthropology of Paul", M. Butovskaya (materials there in the United States are given, I do not know such deep research on our edges, unfortunately). These are the main contours.
Let's turn to details. Why occurs violence? If you do not take self-defense, then the only reason for violence is a feeling of impotence. True, sometimes this feeling is buried very deeply. There are cases when violence occurs, at first glance in habit. Type, came drunk, hit his wife. But if we look at what we will see that even in this case the impotence is behind the blow. The man did not see another exit, so I hit (this, by the way, does not justify anyone).
The most monstrous, that this feeling of powerlessness can be activated by one thought of a man, and not specific actions of a woman. Actions can still be somehow check, but the thoughts of the rapist are hidden by dotmet, so it will not work anything to predict.
Exactly the same in women. Why does a woman allow himself, say, skull? Because it cannot in a different way to convey to a man's thoughts. And the point is not in excess of feelings - it is in the feeling of powerlessness.
Exactly the same among the parents. When they can not get the necessary behavior from the child, they feel powerless. And so they are angry and hit the child. In short, it is formulated so "I do not get from you what I want, good, so I resorted to the last argument - violence." Of course, this thought is extremely rarely pronounced out loud or to himself. But it leads the rapist she.
Is the victim's guilty?
This is a big topic and it is mainly due to the wording. We are talking about fault in different cases that often differ fundamentally among themselves. But they all close the general word "wines". For example, if a person made a negligence, because of which someone died, then it is "to blame." And if we are talking about the conflict, for some reason it also pops up this word. Say, both are to blame.
Indeed, both (if bilateral conflict) really participate in the conflict and both of this conflict have created. But here in the hands-written, the one who has committed the person committed (minus self-defense) is to blame. I emphasize: only one person is to blame for violence - the one who commits violence. The victim, that is, a person who affected violence is certainly responsible for creating a conflict. But responsible, firstly, only half, secondly, is not guilty of violence. Only the rapist is to blame for violence.
Here often raise the subject of provocations. Usually do men. They say, it triggered me, and I myself am white and fluffy. Alas, disappoint. There is no excuse to domestic violence. Even if a kind of woman in the mouth of a quarrel with a squirrel grin told a man that he had a member less than all his neighbors, this is not a reason to spread his hands. This reason to divorce, maybe (well, to think next time, what to bloat), but not to beat. Beat - it is impossible.
By the way, a little to the side. The rapists often accused the victims, they say, "you provoked me / provoked me." Remember: such accusations immediately show - there is nothing to catch here. Here you can only leave.
What to do?
So, domestic violence is bad (especially physical). What can be done to not be (on a simple, household level, not within the state)? Some products are.
one. Do not feel powerless . Not in the sense - to become insensitive / insensitive, and in the sense of increasing competence in communication, learn to negotiate, discuss, negotiate and so on.
2. If you have a threat of violence get out of contact . This applies to all conflict participants, but especially those who are inclined to violence. You feel that you will hit now (and it does not matter, wife, husband or child), now there is no strength to hold back - go away. Choose from the apartment, passing down the street, exhale. And you, and others will be better.
3. Not to lower violence on brakes . If you suffered from violence, do not silent. Call the police, take off the beatings. As practice shows, other violent characters. Fifteen-day afterbirth treats very well (and otherwise the fact of the police call is forever the brain itself). If violence continues and the challenges of the police do not help (and it happens, alas), then it is impossible to stay next to the rapist. Drive (that is, find the opportunity to leave) and thereby eliminate the possibility of violence.
four. Prohibit yourself violence . This is the main recommendation. It is necessary at the level of beliefs to learn - violence to loved ones is unacceptable (and to people in general, it is also undesirable). Secure it in my head - and violence will be less. I insist - cognitive (that is, created in mind) the prohibition of much stronger than physiological processes and impulses.
It is not true that surpassed emotions will definitely break out. In fact, they will break away either when monstrously large (what is called the state of affect, or, in old, amok), or when there is a cognitive permit to break through.
Judge for yourself. We are all accustomed to protect the small and greater needs in specially rejected places. Yes, I know that this is not done so much, and regardless of the country of residence - I saw my own eyes in Ghent, as a Belgian teenager urinated at the corner of the house in ten meters from the street café, full of people, and was in direct visibility. However, the overwhelming majority of people are perfectly able to control their natural calls and can tolerate very much, very long. It seems, and it would be necessary to sing a small need, but the circle of people, you have to endure. Magic power of a cognitive prohibition in action.
Also with emotions. Whoever permits them to exercise their expressive properties in the whole manifold, that they are in this manifold. And who perhaps certain things, and some (the same violence) prohibits in the head - he does not release out. Therefore, prohibit violence against loved ones - everyone will only benefit everyone.
TOTAL . Homemade violence, alas, is a very common phenomenon. Men and women are resorted to him. Homemade violence is unacceptable in relationships, because Destroys the nutrient and secure environment. Violence arises due to the feeling of impotence, which can be caused by both real behavior and its fantasies. Behind the creation of the conflict, both sides are responsible, but only the rapist is to blame for violence. Homemade violence can be stopped, if you do not lower the violence on the brakes and prohibit yourself violence against loved ones. And I have everything, thanks for your attention.