It is not true that a good matter marriage will not be called. We ourselves are building this case, you worship it, and periodically and passionately bring this thing. And we usually go to the worker specialist somewhere 6 years after it becomes urgently need to repair ...
So says John Gottman, the very special specialist in the repair of defective marriages and the founder of a whole institution of research relations. He developed a whole theory, 25 years old exploring hundreds of married couples. What is separately valuable - a psychologist for a long time and happily married. But it's not about luck! After all, its previous union ran out to divorce - and brought a lot of useful experience. So Gottman does not advise bad! Abstract his formula of a happy marriage and tips, how to send it to the happy side;)
1. Friendship between m and w
It exists, yes. And she is not a hindrance, and marriage! On the contrary, everything is kept on it as on the older of whales. Both partners are investing some common capital: interests, emotions, plans, desires and hopes. If you have a page-rider to him, but you can't get carried away to the choir over something, this is a disturbing bell. Because the patch comes and leaves, but it can be revived. If you know how to communicate. And to communicate with an unfriendly individual - Nafig need?
2. Vacuum cleaner as aphrodisiac
A man who helps in the house causes a partner a stronger attraction. All because by what he says loved by: Relax, dear. I love you so much that for the sake of you even enter the unequal batch with the trash can. It is cooler than getting a mammoth.
3. Response feed
In everyday life we constantly appeal to each other. And with important essays ("imagine, they did not pay me so much!"), And on trifles ("Oh, watch which cat!"). The reaction can be different: "Yeah", "Do not bother, I'm busy", "Cat? And "Inter" -to blur! " Or - you react fully: it doesn't matter what you say, but you pay attention, we react to vividly, "turn" to the partner. The more often it happens, the more chances you have to raise the great-hearths. All the studied Gottman couples that "turned" to each other only in third cases were divorced in a few years.
4. kindness will save marriage
This is not a softness, not a faithfulness, not sentimentality. This ability does not jump on the corn and do not finish lying. Gottman believes that the kindness is not an object that either is or not. What is like muscles that need to constantly train. And it is they will bring you at a critical moment. And the most critical moment is, of course, conflicts. Surely, everyone observed that sometimes in a difficult minute offended "carries" so that they simply cannot but humiliate, not to insult unfairly, do not shut up the ears for apologies. Well, so - the ability to do this should not be trained on cats. That is, on small family disassembly.
5. Errors should forgive
If the partner got excited and said stupidity, what should I do? Attach the pan ... that is, to inform him that he was wrong here - and forget and forgive. Otherwise, the bomb of the slow motion is formed in you, which you are later in one fine moment on his own head of ka -ku sorcery! Once again: forgive and let go. If it really was rapid nonsense. And not systematic conscious nasty.
6. Solve it is impossible to accept
Now as if sad news. 69 percent of family problems can be solved in principle. At least, we break about the wall or splits about it, the faithful - some fundamental installations will not change. And if they pretend to be changed, it will be that more injury ... or just an illusion. With some features of the type of unloaded tubes or compulsive shopogolism will have to simply coexist. Well, or run from them. It is important to clearly understand what exactly out of you.
7. Five to one
Each pair has joys and nastiness. Compliments and names. Pleasure and resentment. Pleasant memories and skeletons in the closet. So! The chip of a happy marriage is not that there are no minuses. And the fact that every minus should have five advantages. For one day of quarrel - five days of recovery. On one abandoned sock - a bouquet of five daisies. Etc. It is interesting to try to calculate the experiment for the sake! ..
7 Gothtman Soviets Marriage
1. Do not forget help The average pair, Gottman, even feeling that something went at all, pulls with a campaign to a family psychologist. And late for about six years. And it was possible to spend on time and happily steering on. 2. Filter the "Bazaar"!Even if the mind is frozen. Make an effort and do not remember the sins of seven years old, do not mention the painful flaws and do not call bad words. Loggers. In the end, Kin's pillow. But do not cripple. 3. Look for constructive "How many times have I told you, you just inspire" - it serves to pour anger and pull the steam. But not in order to achieve the desired one. Causes a deaf defense and an aggressive counter attack. Automatically and logical. "Listen, I need your help ..." But this is that, in fact, solve the problem. 4. Try to meet It is clear that to give up myself, your interests and your life is not love, but the man's one. But in not the most fundamental things (like: "Where will spend a Saturday evening - in the bar or mom") still need to make concessions. Periodically. 5. Do not be afraid to demand respect
Not in the sense: "M-man, t-you uh-vazha-eat me?" And in the sense that if at your sense of self-esteem and self-esteem was a boot, it cannot be swallowed and forget. Will be worse. We must voice. If a person is inappropriate - he will take into account. If he is a moral rapist, then no marriage conservation tips will help you. In the furnace of them - and hands on the legs. 6. Step forward and two backwards Sporting and conflict, moving to the offensive, do not forget to make a "retreat." Type: "I understand that you are not very comfortable," I'm sorry, if it sounds sharply, "I, probably, is also guilty here." This is not despicable weakness, it is a psychological aikido. In the end, if the passions ran up so that no reversals work, as a reboot, you can find an unexpectedly funny side and core for discharge - or make a time-out to fit. 7. Good - five more! This is perhaps the most important commandment of Gottonan in love and the relationship of humanity. See paragraph 7 from the formula of a happy marriage - and bring in it how much you can, pleasant, good and eternal. Then the volume of "sun" will definitely exceed the volume of "cloud" five times. And you will be happy!
