PICS.RU is always happy to provide the word with his reader. Especially if she has something to tell. This time, we wrote a girl who became a feminist after he tried ... Accept Judaism. She asked not to indicate her name.
I had a three-year period associated with religion. I was deepened in the study of Jewish culture, which led me to the hobby of Judaism.
There were many reasons why I became interested in religion and many reasons for which I found Orthodoxy completely unsuitable for me. In many ways, Judaism attracted me by many strong female figures, it seemed to me that in Orthodoxy women were more depressed.
Since I was not a Jew on Galaheh, I needed to go through hyurists, but this is a difficult procedure requiring prior apprenticeship. So I found the community of non-Jews studying the foundations of Judaism under the start of orthodox rabbis.
At first glance, this group seemed very friendly medium, and I was not embarrassed by a low number of women. Men there at first behaved very correctly. All read texts, discussed problems, traditions, admissibility for non-Jews to celebrate Jewish holidays and celebrate Saturday. I gradually plunged into the tradition. I changed the type of food (which, by the way, did not have a positive impact of my health), I read the necessary books, tried to somehow unload Saturday to start getting used to the "right" rhythm.
However, now I understand that the atmosphere there was impregnated with sexism and hate to all feminine.
Present recognized that women played a huge role in the formation and preservation of Jewish culture, but at the same time wondered - and modern girls here with what? The only thing that modern women can do for Judaism is to serve her husband.
At the same time, I saw, what women play in the life of the Jewish community play a huge role, but we were separated from it.
In addition, the men who actively participated in the life of the Bnei Noah community were concerned about the moral appearance of the unnecessary women and dumped all the problems of humanity to short skirts, sweeping Muslims and Orthodox for disrespectful attitude towards women.
It seems to me that this hysteria grew gradually.
A year later, I was in a situation where I was constantly provoked that I was disgusting that I need to marry urgently to cleanse. When I finished the institute, I was not congratulated - I was told that now I can finally focus all the strength in preparation for marriage.
I wrote that "there is a good boy, I agree to the cozers (a non-Jew, who accepted Judaism)" that I am not a man without a man that without a man - anyone! - I do not understand the sacred texts and even the seven commandments of Noah. Gradually, from the total flow of studying the Jewish tradition, women were somehow filmed - it was believed that for them a priority and support for her husband, and spirituality is expressed in this.
I wanted knowledge, but I was proved that I was unworthy of them simply on the basis of the structure of my body.
But then I met the texts of one woman who were close to me. There was no rejection of women, there was no humiliation compared to men. I picked up ... But with close communication, this woman showed itself otherwise.
She set himself the goal to change me, make me a "good wife." He wrote in the comments that "works" above my priorities. She regularly wrote me that such perverts, as I, who do not want to "serve her husband," "know God through a husband," will be punished that I can cleanse, just starting to prepare for the correct marriage from her point of view. She constantly told me that I should "realize my nature."
I tried to.
I realized.
His bisexuality.
This deepened my depressive state.
And then several events occurred, which radically changed the course of my life.
I felt lonely, rejected by society in principle, and was looking for support in religion, but I initially had very liberal upbringing. Gradually, I began to understand what they broke me. I think if this community was real, not virtual, I would have less forces to resist.
At the same time, reading one of the Jewish sites, I came across an unexpectedly warm mention of Andrea Dvorkin (she was a Jewish - and at the same time an ideologist of feminism). I was fascinated by the language of the given passage. Let it be just a translation, something ambitious, painful, honest and open. I started reading Dvorkin's texts, and this did not turn my worldview, but rather confirmed its legitimacy.
Then I accidentally in my hands got a book about the matriarchal cults, where Abrahamic religions were largely criticized.
And then I fell in love.
In a girl.
I looked at my love and could not understand that this is such a disgusting and nasty - in the fact that I want to walk with this man under the flowering trees. But the fantasy of my mentor drawn bright, naturalistic and physiological sex scenes, which in my plans at that time did not even have - I am not very temperament at all in this sense.
I had a complex internal conflict.
That woman began to send me a video of Torsunov, where he spoke about lesbians, - and I, knowing about the activities of Torsunov, realized that these people need to run. I realized that I would not find any pure spirituality that people, in words stretching to clean and bright, see in me simply a piece of meat. And in search of the right way, they themselves contradict, plunging into hatred and drag me.
Then there were several men who offered to first talk to me about the Torah, and in fact, everything poured into "naked pictures came to me, no, no, I'm not like that, you all came up with." It was terrible. It was not at all what I was waiting for.
I understand perfectly well that bad and hypocritical people are full everywhere. I understand perfectly that there are Jewish communities (I do not know if they are in Russia) who calmly accept same-sex marriages under the shepherd. I admire Debra Well, an LGBT activist, now holding the post of Rabbi in Portland.
I saw photos of a pregnant woman in Tfiline, and it was fine, but I was told - Merzko. When I tried to learn about reformists at my then acquaintances, I was told, in particular, that reformists were the cause of the Holocaust and what kind of activity God shouted the Jewish people in this way.
But now I realize that the attitude towards women in that community was not a special case - this is part of a huge system problem.
The texts of Andrea Dvorkin led me to the feminist community. In fact, the opposite glances I adhered to sixteen years. I think it kept me from the deepening to the toxic environment. With feminism, of course, it was not all smooth. There were disputes associated with religion (I especially, when I was still trying to combine religion and feminism), sexual orientation, shaving the armpits, the art, a long and painful conflict on transgenderness.
But nothing of this made me feel something disgusting me, they were glad to share information, if I don't know something, there were always several people whose glances were closer to me. In any case, even conflicts in the feminist environment were or ideological, or personal, but never founded on the installation of "sin, abomination, and that's it."
I carefully preserve relationships with some girls who met in that my religious period. We congratulate each other with the Jewish holidays, we share music, pictures and texts, support each other, even being now on different sides of the barricades. But we got closer when feminism was not theory for me, but everyday practice.
We can say that I rejected the Abrahamian God for the sake of short skirts and "perversions." But I think that rejected the objectiveness and the structureless hatred covered by the religion, in order to gain many sisters, accept yourself as a person, discover a huge world of female culture, female votes, women's friendship.
Illustrations: Images from the movie "God is big, and I'm small"