Hello! Always with pleasure I read the materials PICS.ru, but rarely comment (or rather, almost never comment). Why did you suddenly decide to write? Consider this peculiar psychotherapy. I would like to lay out this text in my facebook, but I probably do not decide. Let him be with you. Even if he immediately falls into the "Spam" folder.
I have a wonderful girlfriend - a beautiful sample of Self-Made Woman. She actively builds a career, travels, invested in his future and will soon become a mother. She is a very good man.
And she looks at me with pity and surprise. Recently, this pity is more like contempt. Because we studied together at the university, and there I, so to speak, filed some hopes. Served-served, but did not give. After graduating from the Institute, I got married, worked for two years (in the office and at the remotely), then it fell ill, it seems like I went to a stable state, but I never returned to work. In the past seven years, I was kept my husband and Mom (after the death of mom - only a husband). That is, I am nothing more than a housewife. A, and besides, I don't have an excuse for my "Tunes" in my friends - I'm not even a mother. I am 32 years old and in the near future I do not plan pregnancy.
On Friday, I'm going to meet her and a few more commodities in a group - all family, all children, most - with a career. And I.
Do I feel free to my lifestyle? To be honest - no.
I'm afraid of this world. Constantly. Everyday. From morning to evening, sometimes capturing the night. Any petty trouble plunges me in shock. With large, I am surprisingly, I coped well - apparently, some hidden reserves are included. It seems to me that I have anxious disorder. Sometimes it let go - then I sing, I am doing a house, and my husband and I do all sorts of interesting things together. And sometimes I can't even call the private clinic with very friendly administrators to make an appointment. Or get out of the house. Even just get out of the apartment in the entrance.
Despite this, her husband loves me. Helps and supports. I do not know what I deserve it. But I know that he is a thread connecting me with the world. Big and terrible. The world in which there is no security. The world in which nothing can be predicted. The world in which the beloved mother congratulates your husband on his birthday, and then sits down in the chair and die in your hands.
How can I tell about it? And most importantly - will anyone want to hear?
Sometimes I'm trying to talk. But I see my girlfriend's eyes. And I translate everything into a joke. I'm smiling. Look at my stupid fears! How can a normal man shed and not sleep for two weeks, because the husband is sent for a month on a business trip? How can I be afraid to go crazy during pregnancy? How can I "program yourself on bad" all the time?
No, I do not want to say that my girlfriend has a clear cloudless life. She passed through a lot - and through Abjuz, and through sexism, and through loneliness. Only her all these tests hardened, forced to repel a strong protective shell, they taught not to be afraid of responsibility and soberly assess their own strength, and me ... and I start my migraine from stress. In adolescence, after the death of his father, it was very convenient - a little bit and you can walk to school. And now it is hell.
All my life I am building my little protective cocoon. With air holes, because I still love people. No matter how paradoxically. Life is very terrible, and people are good.
Do I want to keep friendship? Really want to. Only therefore I'm ashamed. Very little. Only in those days when there is another message from the date of our date with girls in WhatsApp.
That's all right. Morality will not.
What did you come to this opus? My own repost of comic Sarah Andersen about the girl. Under which my friend wrote: "Everything is not so." And smiley. She did not mean anything, except that her life experience does not correlate with the life experience of Sarah and many other women. And for some reason it hurts me. Because I am that a girl for which the bed is to fade and find two identical socks in my "bad" days - achievement.
With tremendous respect for you and your work, K.
Illustrations: shutterstock