Pavel Zygmantich - "A man who is doing complicated" - displays a thin process of turning acquaintances in friends. Be sure to read for anyone who is hard to converge with people.
Imagine - you are cute with someone, you are pretty to each other, you have topics for conversations, you are comfortable together.How to make a friend of all this (there is such a question from some people)?
First was justice
Let's start with an important one among us, people, the principle of equal exchanges is distributed. Somewhere in the depths of our brain hiding a counter that calculates the justice of the situation. There was a lot of a lot of research on this topic.
The general course of research is such - two unfamiliar people suggest playing the economic game "Dictator". The essence of the game is simple. The experimenter issues one of the players some amount of money with which the player can do everything he wants. Maybe leave all the money for yourself. May give all the second player. Can divide into some kind of proportion. It is not important. It is important that money will get both players only if the second player agrees with the division.
For example, the experimenter gave a hundred conditional units to the first player. That half pushed to himself half - to the second player. Now it is from the second it depends - whether they will receive both money or not. If the second player agrees, then they are both obtained. If you do not agree - the experimenter takes money back.
And that's what is surprising. If the first player divides the money 50/50, there are no problems. The second approves such an alignment, and everyone gets money. However, if the proportion turns out, say, 60/40, then the second player always refuses. Yes, refuses, although loses its money. Why? Because it is unfair.
Also, by the way, monkeys behave - even not the most headstone (like cappuchins). The mechanism for the definition of justice is sewn to us long before we have become Homo Sapires.
You - I, I - You
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In relations with not very close people (including and with buddies) we will definitely use our built-in justice definition mechanism. We take into account every interaction and weigh it on the scales - how much was the exchange with a person?
Here you have told a compliment, he is BEMS, everything is true.
You went for coffee and brought Coffee colleague, and he shared an apple with you - Bams, everything is true.
Colleaga asked you to help him with a move, then invited to a restaurant and thanked dinner - BEMS!
But if in all three cases of the response steps was not to meet, the mechanism of justice will give a signal, and you at the level of the spinal cord, glue a person with some unpleasant epithet. And no longer be so friendly with him.
This is called the theory of equal or social exchanges (Social Exchange Theory). Everything should be honest and equally. You me, and I.
Otherwise, our built-in justice definition mechanism will give an alarm.
However, we can overcome this mechanism - and here the friendship begins.
How friendship is created
Knowing all the above, it is easy to understand how to go to friendship from friendship.
You need to make several times more than it for you. At such moments, a person understands - you are ready to sacrifice for him our own interests. And the sacrifice of his interests for the other is friendship (if this other is not a relative, of course).
For example, you can help your colleague with moving and not accepting gratefulness in the form of treats in the restaurant. They say, oh well, we are not strangers to each other people.
Or you can not just listen to a friend in his problems, but also "straighten" in their decision.
This is generally one of the main signs of the transition of friendship in friendship - a person shares your concerns even when it does not expect that.
Again. Friendship is the highest form of confidence, we believe that a friend will act in our interests, even if he may suffer.
If you show that everything is like that, then friendship arises.
Just in case, it is emphasized - to make more for a person than it needs for you several times. If three or four attempts do not give anything or if a person starts to sit on the neck, it means you should not spend your efforts on it. Did not take off.
Also, I note that under "make" not necessarily understand only help or something in this spirit. Listened here, and emotional participation and so on.
So, friendship appears where people cease to calculate the equality of contributions to the relationship. If you want to speed up the offensive of friendship, refuse (at least in the order of the experiment) from such a calculation and make a few times more than for you. Most likely, you will go to friendship from friendship.
And I have everything, thanks for your attention.