The child's age crisis is when suddenly familiar, effective models of interaction (= permission of complex situations) cease to work. First you understand that something went wrong, the child broke, or what? It seems already managed to negotiate with him.
Then with large or smaller sufferings are experiencing their powerlessness. And then either by chance, either in despair, or after reading the mountains of books and gigabytes of articles, or after conversation with a specialist you fall. And the door opens! Earned!
Do not buy, do not nam, not home!
I did not immediately understand what it was. At 2.5 years old, the daughter survived general anesthesia. And when she is the first time (every other day after anesthesia), he began to cry out in the evening "not Bai, not Bai!", I decided that she was just afraid to fall asleep. I explained to her that my mother was near that no one would do anything with her, that we sleep in our bed and wake up too in our bed ...
I then also believed that there were logical arguments on the kids, which is to talk - this is the best way to communicate, regardless of the age of the interlocutor.
In the end, I took a daughter in my hands, I started to swing and instead of the "Bai-Bai" sang "Do not Bai - Do not Bai ...". It seems to the motive of the old song "Maple Leaf". And the girl calmed down.
But then I still did not understand anything.
And when the daughter at the end of the walk began to shout "not home! Not a homeo! ", I persuaded her, I offered her to go home another - a long dear, that is, walk towards the house. Walking towards the house - it was a familiar way to lead the child from a walk for several months.
But he also did not help to walk towards the house, the daughter continued to cry out: "not home!". Once I exploded: "Not home, not to play!". The baby immediately smashed: "home! Needle! ". She began to look into my eyes: "Home? Need? ".
It was an insight.
We then talked to the next few months - "Don't Nam!", "Not to gather not to visit", "not read books." Until the daughter on my next "Masya, we do not go to no yoke!" I did not answer: "Mom, I just want soup!" ("PIOSTO KHATSA SUP"). UV, passed the pass, overwhelmed the Atlantic (rare or Brasssay, sometimes in doggy), you can exhale.
Masya protests
Change clothes before bed - war. Dress up to go to visit your beloved relative - war. Wash hands before meals - war. "Not! Not! Nooo !!! "
It also skewed unexpectedly. Father went to the room, asked me what? I answered just: "Masya protests!". Masya for a few moments swallowed, looked at me, on his father. Then it began to protest twice with a double energy, with a sense of executable debt on the face and chickrink in the eyes, - play it to play!
I was very tired. I didn't care, I wanted only to put on her pajamas. And I said: "Listen, Masya, let me go now, and you will protest you later. We will lie down, I'll tell you, and let me honor you Aibolita, and you will shout that no, I don't want Aibolita, it does note! Come on? "
The main thing was not to be forgotten to remind her when they lay down, about the game and demand protests in the promised place.
It worked almost trouble-free. That is, in more than half of the cases, and this, you will agree, a lot.
And shout?
The daughter shouted, it seemed to me almost constantly. For any reason, with any ambiguity opened the mouth and: "Aaaaaaaa!". Neither we nor a neighbor-old man survive this could no longer. Especially when, because of the screams, we were shot down the day of the day.
The reason for the scream could be anything. They played hide and seek and did not seek the girl behind the chair, but only under the chair, while she was hiding behind the father's feet. Could not pack the banana in the peel back. They put on the child not the T-shirt or gave the wrong spoon (not the one that she silently meant). The apple was not the color, and the book opened not on that page.
Write a question in the maternal forum, because of which your two-year-old shouts, and get hundreds of stories like our.
In short, we had to save. Owls - no. Her or her own was not strained and did not wear out. She did not weaken, not "turned off" after the scream. Just shook and lived on. But it could be shut down in 20 or 40 minutes.
And we said that it was not necessary to scream now, we do not cry in the house, my mother does not shout, dad does not shout. And Masya does not shout. Do not shout !!! But we will go to the sea, they shout there (we then lived not in Moscow and not even in Russia). But let's go on the weekend to walk, and shout.
It was very important when they went to a safe place, remind the girl that you need to shout. It is necessary. Promised. Krychi, Masya!
And once ... Once she asked: "Mom, and today we will go to the beach? I want to shout! " How I was proud my daughter at that moment! And I also realized that everything, she stopped being a baby, she suddenly - in one night - turned into just a child.
Parents must withstand their children
It was a strong experience for us. We learned not to look at external manifestations, but deep into the child's behavior, but for what the behavior costs.
We showed my daughter that it may not worry that everything is under control. That we are reliable, sustainable, that we will withstand any of her swing. And now she emerged from his infancy, overnight ceased to talk about himself "Masya", and began to say "I," to contact us with my father.
The crisis "no" is sometimes called the first manifestation of the will of the child.
But this is not will. These attempts somehow cope with the waking feel of their separateness from parents, understand, feel, designate your place in the family, your separate place. This is the beginning of the so-called crisis of 3 years - the crisis of self-awareness.
Now my daughter is five. She seems to be in another crisis - learns to manage themselves, learns to cope herself with their emotions and feelings. And I again do not have time for her. Again the usual models stopped working. I'm still silent between the changing my mind and insights.
Yesterday I managed to put her sleep normally, but what was it - an accident or found finally the path? I don't know yet. If this is not an accident, and our insight with her, I will definitely tell you about it. Someday. When I can exhale for some time and focus ... Someday I can exhale and focus. I believe in it.
My favorite psychologist Liana Nedroshvili once said: "Parents must withstand their children." It seems to me that it is very deep and very much. Children grow and can not always cope with what happens to them, they can not always withstand it themselves, without help.
Then we must cope with us, we must withstand. Only, we will help them go through the growth crises and become normal, adequate, cute children, with which you can even negotiate. Until the next crisis. And so as long as they become adults. And what they will become adults - mature or not very - it depends on whether we can withstand them or not.
Illustration: shutterstock