Recently, we published the reasoning of our Columninist Ella Derzayi about whether it is possible to grow a child not a neurotic. Can! But how exactly do it - says Psychotherapist Adrian Izh. In the genre of "harmful councils".
Suppose you have a child, and you want him exclusively evil. Well, it happened. He infuriates you. And you need an instruction how to spoil him life - once and for all.A science comes to the aid - hundreds of psychological researchers were worked out to offer us a working option. In the development of the strategy, I used the study of students of Laura Weiss and Schwartz Conrad (2005), children and parents of Kaisa Annola and Jari Eric Melci (2005), research of Robert Koplan (2009), Goshanins of Kochansk and her colleagues (2000, 2006), as well as Theoretical review on more than 50 modern studies of the styles of Endrew Collins and his colleagues (2000).
And for completely normal boring mothers who want their children good, health and success, in the end we will tell about what types of control lead to positive results. So to speak, double use - real pests learn how in no case should not be done, and then, if it is not enough, this lippers (or this belly) will grow happy and pleased.
So, there are two types of control, which, with a large proportion, will spoil your child's life - samurai immudence and obsessive authoritarianism.
Ninja Style Control
The first way is very simple: Do you see that you do not have a child. Go with him, well ... approximately, like a squirrel in the park - leave food and clothing in a prominent place. Do not talk to him, do not interest lessons, do not go to the parent meetings, do not regret when he hit, do not come together when he cries, let go on any parties without a single question, leave one house at any age and for any time - And clothes in prominent places. Disaster somehow. If he got to you - react indifferently and with Lenza. And, of course, not immediately. Sooner or later he will be bored, and he will lag behind. It is better with every communication in general to pretend as if you do not remember who it is, and how he was here.
This is a proven, high-quality way. Children, with such education, do not trust anyone, show the lowest results on academic performance, tend to take drugs and drink a lot, easily fall into sects, bad companies, co-dependent relationships. And criminals become - with a much more likely. You imagine, so you may even be able to grow real gangster! Even if they were lucky, and they managed to get out alive for twenty-five years - nothing terrible. All the same, they will have neurosis, depression, low self-esteem and tendency to alarming disorders. Well, the feeling that they do not need anyone. In general, success.
Helicopter style control
The second method is obsessive authoritarian control. First of all, psychological. It is very important to speak at the same time that the child you have a little punishment, nothing can. To emphasize that without you, he will not learn lessons, does not wash the dishes, he will not come to the institute, it will not marry (and not marry), the child will not give birth, and if he is a risk. As one of my client said: "My mom is Batman, and will find me everywhere."
Such parents are also called the helicopters' parents - because, no matter how to hide, the omnipresent spotlight will also exist you, and all your shoals. Such a parent must be everywhere where the child is. The optimal option is not to let it in social institutions at all, but if there is such a need - you can go as an educator in his kindergarten and teacher to school. Well, or at least a cleaner. But this is an intellectual cleaner. Which knows everything about everyone, and upon the case, it will bring to clean water. At the same time, it is important, of course, not to ask how the child feels or what he wants, - you are a mother, you better feel. The dialogue should be built in an order and controlling style: what he needs to do when, where and what should lie, stand, hang. In no case are you not interested in the opinion of the child. He has shit, not an opinion.
This is, of course, a more tired of education than the first, but the results are also excellent - these children do not know how to make contact with loved ones, so they are most likely not fit into any team, do not marry (and if they get married Unsuccessful), but they have big problems with study, they do not remember a new one and generally experiment, boys - with pleasure they drink and take drugs, and girls - suffer from depression and disturbing disorders. However, the boys also suffer, just a little less.
Useful control
What type of control is useful? There are two of them, and the most successful option - when they go together.
The first type of control is built on Positive interest . That is how it is just interested in the child, and praise him for progress - this is also a type of control. Simple questions "You were interested?", "Did you like it?", "What did you do in school today?", "What a beautiful flower!" - Very help and be aware of the life of a child, and create a feeling that he needed that he is well done and something can. The same approach teaches the child to be interested in close, teaches his empathy, sympathy, support, which then helps him successfully adapt to the team, to establish friendly and love ties, be interested in something new.
Second - organizational . The child needs a structure, a plan, algorithms for which he can act. It's great if he takes part in their development, but he himself comes up with them. Also such structures should be flexible enough, proceed from the child's resources and change over time. So we support the child, we learn it to be independent and consistent. It forms responsibility for his actions, teaches "there is an elephant in parts" - solve problems in turn.
Children from families where these two types of control are used are more resistant to the effects of bad companies, alcohol and drugs and drugs are consistent, even when there are no parents nearby, they speak well to the positive influence of the group - such as a proposal to engage in scientific activities, for example. Much less often collide with depression, neurosis and disturbing disorders. So, if you want to your children's children - you now also know what to do.
Interestingly, what else does psychology tell? Read! How to appreciate yourself - Recommendations of psychologakak to appreciate yourself - recommendations for a psychotherapistasm for a child need a father? From the point of view of the psychotherapist to be, if you fell in love "not in that"? Recommendations of psychotherapist