You sit in the kitchen removable odnushki. You are a little over twenty, and all your problems are related to those who call for the weekend - Sveta or Anku. Your plans for the future are ambitious. About ten years you are planning to get a villa in a beautiful place, a couple of Maceratti and a supermodel wife. But all this is very far, which means to hurry nowhere.
And then (and this "sweat" happens indecently quickly) You are sitting in the same kitchen (it's time to make repairs, but it's stupid to invest in someone else's apartment), and Sveta sits on the contrary, a little pregnant with your common child and sadness to your common sadness: you Nowhere to live. This is where it sounds for the first time this is the terrible word "Mortgage". If Homer was alive, he would surely created the Great Epos on the exploits of the brave mortgage and would call it, for example, a mortgage. But it has long been not, so we will have to take over the courage and briefly go through the initial stages of the bloody mortgage quest. To encourage someone who has already poured into it, warn someone who intends to pursue, and dissuade those who else can be dissociated.1. Choice of housing
Starts like a fairy tale about fisherman and fish. Ends, however, also. The first half an hour you dream about the Tereme on the ruble, but soon you are aware that only broken trough shines with your income. Moreover, it is almost impossible to explain this wife, because it already mentally put the vases on the light cheerlets. After several hours of disputes, tears and admonitions, she is humble and you select five or six suitable "trough."2. Collecting the evidence base
The bank spit on the fact that you are a cool specialist, an honest citizen and translate all the old women without parsing across the road. He needs evidence of your solvency. The bigger, the better. The list of necessary papers can be read by weeks, but you do not have these weeks. And the personnel, as discharged, is sick, at the balance sheet, the chef on vacation together with the seal. In the end, all these people are going together, you get a feded certificate of income and understand that a person with such a salary you are not the fact that money, the cat would not lend a cat filler. Sorrow.3. Finding good co-coales
If your wife or your wife are not too smart, but decently earning relatives - you need to incline them in any way in the cozers. The first half an hour is ashamed to do this, but soon you detect the oratory and the absence of all moral limiters. "It's worth it for you, and we are about to throw out on the street," this is the main refrain. Sell with tears in a voice. Offer myself, wife and child in life slavery. Fresh suicide. Sooner or later, the relative will give up and can go to the next stage.4. Submission of applications in a bunch of banks
It is better not to be broken, and climb everywhere where a loan can give. At this stage, you need to behave with banks, as Lieutenant Rzhevsky with the girls on the ball - fearlessly and brazenly. Sooner or later, someone will be "to vibrate". And taking into account that the third banks do not exist, another third is credit brokers. In the third third percentages such that it is better to immediately bullet in the forehead, and the other paths are somehow leading to Sberbank.5. Nervous Waiting for Results
Let or not give? - that is the question. This question will cause you two or three weeks. During this time you will learn to deftly lie to bank security programs: "Yes, we have such Pupkin. Very responsible. I will not dismiss anything, even give rise. " The main thing to pre-instruct the girls with the reception is that all "strange" calls they translated immediately to you.6. Hurray. It seems to be!
Of the twenty banks will remain three or four. They will send you a magic SMS: "We are ready to provide you with a mortgage loan." Also call back, they say, congratulations, Mr. Pupkin, we are forever, come and take money. Here you can rejoice. Last time. Because you have just been politely awarded the door to hell.7. Meeting with the seller
Secondary or new housing, odnushka in Ryazan or Trejo in Odintsovo, Plated Developer or Tiny Realtor - You will still try to inflate you. The PR campaigns will be completed suddenly on the website, 10% discount will be wonderfully turning into 1%, a convenient payment scheme will turn to the forest to the forest, and you yourself know what, and all this with an ingratiating smile and promises of dairy rivers and ribs. Do not lose hardness, no one believes and stand to death. Worse will not be worse.8. Application for a mortgage
Decided with the "trough"? Signed a contract with the seller? Prayed? Well, as they say, let's go! Looking at the fish eyes of a bank clerk, do not lose cheerfulness and zador, but do not allow any jokes of the sample "I will take five Lamov - run into Mexico." The bankers with a sense of humor is not very. And remember, all the chambers of the bank are directed at you - so the newer your smartphone and the more expensive boots, the more chances you have. There is no smartphone - the sick of a good relative. He is still9. We are waiting for the sentence
Just in case, put the cake to accountants, champagne personnel and whiskey chief. Because now to check you will be as if you take a debt not fifty squares in Butovo, but on half of the Spasskaya Tower together with the chimes. And also go to a good restaurant, buy yourself a couple of new shirts and give my wife something expensive and meaningless. Burn myself finally. After all, the next time you will do it in fifteen years.10. Cannot pardon
"Come tomorrow to sign, our dear Pupkin," - tells you the smartphone with the voice of the same clerk. Your skin is covered with goosebumps, your hair get up end, your heart flies past the chest and falls somewhere in the left shoe. And the contract with the bank, compared to which any deal with the devil seems an innocent joke, you sign already in the state of absolute prostration. In the same state, you put on the amount of the first contribution. And this is the right state. Because any impact of the mind will force you to run away, sparkling heels. And then the bank translates the promise, and everything, the brother. You are in trouble. Hence, until the end of payments, you are a slave lamp. Everything that was before is a nice preamble. And the mortgage hell (your personal mortgage) just started. Good luck to you, our hero! Forces, patience and regular income.