Dad in the span: What you need to know about tactile fatigue if you have a child
ATTENTION: Read below, only if you (were) Mom baby, live (lived) with a child who is working out at home with her husband / father, and your baby is not the ideal child in vacuum, which from the first day falls asleep and sleeps himself, does not hang on the chest Round days, perfectly lies and plays on their own all day, and you have time to make a bunch of everything, in addition to the child.
Oh yeah, and if you do not have a grandmother / nanny. It is important. The rest may not understand.
If your baby does not get off with the hands, "sleeps only with breasts in the mouth", "did not sleep for three months without me," and you "do not have time and terribly tired," you are here.
In the first week after my son was born, I sat lot on social networks. How did I have time? Well…. In the afternoon he slept on top of me, belly to the stomach. This is a separate story, why it happened, someday I will tell. But for this reason, half the day I slept with him. And the second half, continuing to substitute the stomach, I, of course, "tupil in the facebuch". No, I honestly tried to read books at first. But we lay in the dark, with the light he did not sleep. And I pressed the e-book with your elbow in the second week of reading. It was not subject to restoration, so it remained one salvation - the phone, and in it - social networks.
One of the groups that I then actively read was English-speaking, about pregnancy and babies. "They have" in the Mama circles - almost everything like us. A little more suffering about the unpaid decree and a little less questions about how to lose weight. But one discussion particularly attracted my attention. About how much in the first months a woman sitting alone with a baby is tired tactful, by the end of the day becoming Completely Touched Out [completely touched - translation of the editorial]. And the fact that the husbands do not understand this and offend on the lack of hugs, intimacy, unwillingness to be hugged even in bed.
It was a completely new idea for me. She fell firmly in memory, and I thought about it and realized long hours after that.
After all, really. A woman who feeds, she constantly "gives herself to use." And even without taking into account the chest, her body is constantly an object of hugs, kisses, presses, games. She constantly touch her, she touches the baby, hugs, wears, plays and messenger, with all the tenderness and caress. All day! And even whether it is the most dreamed kinesthetic in the world ... does she not get tired of it? ..
I always loved hugging. And I got married successfully - the husband is exactly the same. Earlier, in my opinion, we were in tactile contact all that time he was at home. I constantly touched it, kept behind the hand, hugged, kissed. We slept "in an oakha". But when our son was knocking for three months, and the husband neatly complained about the lack of attention to him, I did not immediately, but still I realized that he speaks first of all about physical attention and remembered this discussion about Touched Out.
Damn it, yes it's about me! ..
I suddenly "clearly" that in these weeks regularly avoided not the fact that the proximity, namely the tactile contact. As if it was loving kissing on weekdays. At night, sometimes diligently moved to his half of the bed. He chatted with her husband about every in the evenings in the kitchen, but almost did not touch him ... At any free moment I carefully cared about myself - ate, she took a shower, slept, and about the physical - about the house, food, washing, ironing ... but at all Not about hugs.
It was a feeling that I was as if "turned off". They took out batteries from my inner pusher, who all his life forced me to hug people, keep them for hands, constantly touch. And yes - catch a strong buzz from it.
Now I really needed communication. I was actively looking for, a lot and joyfully communicated with my husband, friends, relatives, just neighbors ... But the hugs at the meeting and farewell became a social act, no more. Aware it was extremely sad. No, of course, there were moments of proximity, and hugs with kisses, but mainly on weekends. Or when we have grandparents (thank my mom, we have spent two months! ...) In the usual weekdays, when I spent all the time with my son alone, in the evening after falling asleep overnight, for some reason always especially painful, I usually just just I wanted to fall nearby, sometimes, maybe, chat in the kitchen, but so that they do not touch me, if only it is not a massage. Massage me beloved, relaxing and directly turning into a dream. Because ahead was still night with her night feedings and soothing breasts.
Then I spoke with other young moms, and it turned out that those girls from the English-speaking group were right - we are much such.
And the right is that the husbands do not really understand us.
Husbands, dads ... Even the most wonderful and understanding (my husband is just like that!), They do not spend days, hugging and carrying the baby, feeding his breasts and it is comforting. Yes, damn the dads do not eat around the clock. Their hands and backs are not so much sick from the permanent pointing and lifting the child. After childbirth, they do not fall in the blood of estrogen, the prolactin does not raise, scoring some or libido. Nothing changed nothing "there, below, because of the gaps or episiotomy, they did not disobey the scar from Cesarean section. They are not scary and not hurt again to start making love. I do not want to knock on the partner at this time for taking extra opportunities for half an hour of sleep. They come from work, wife at home, the baby usually sleeps, everything is as before. Why now their evenings are not like before? .. And the fact that the wife has just crawled out of the bedroom after a two-hour lacking with the battle, it's like that? .. ..
Finally, very often they just do not know and do not imagine that it is possible - do not want to be near. Sometimes you do not want, because too lazy to strain. Sometimes you don't want, because I want to sleep and do not hold legs. Sometimes not to want, because the instinct is shouting inside you - no no, if he has testicles, and in them the sperm, run faster from him, your child is still very small, you can't be pregnant! ...
And sometimes - you can not just want from and to disgust, because you are completely touched out.
Do not even want to hug and kiss. You are already all - was hugged and healed today a hundred times. You want to be a man, mind, but not a body. Your body wants to rest and not be a little now.
And if so - weeks, months? What man will endure? ..
But there are still social pressure on women. They are waiting for them that they will quickly come into shape. That sex will immediately become as before. What will time to raise a child, and at the same time everything is also perfectly removed and cook dinner of three dishes. To be affectionate and attentive. And look like perfectly.
What to do?..
The most important thing is that you need to take as a fact - you are not obliged. You have the right to be yourself. Being not like in glossy magazines. You have the right to "inviolability" when you need it.
Yes, you need to talk, tell, explain, ask. Give her husband and relatives to take care of a child to a maximum of time and opportunities. Resting alone. Take your body yourself. Remember that it is yours too. Restore. Do not try to be an ideal mother and wife. You still do not have time to do anyway, something has to sacrifice something.
And yes, your man will endure. Because he is an adult mature man, and he knows how to love. Understand and accept. After all, exactly from such a giving birth to children? .. And because you need to appreciate yourself and be able to say "no" when you now - no. When you have nothing to give even myself. The baby will not wait, and the adult can. Children grow quickly, he will suffer.
In the end, you are doing the most important work in the world now - you drink with love of your child. Your child. And you have the right to be in this work. Nelaskova, not thus, not hugged. Or just - Touched Out.
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